Star Wars Redneck and New Drugs on the Market

Star Wars Version of "You Might Be a Redneck If..."

- Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.

- You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill.

- You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.

- At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored

- There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder

- You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder

- You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok

- You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks

- You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.

- You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.

- The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.

- Wookies are offended by your B.O.


New Drugs on the Market

St. Mom's Wort - Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen - Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.

Flipitor - Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics - When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

Buyagra - Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-one-all - When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a really bad club music CD or a book by that awful television doctor.

Jack Asspirin - Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti-talksident - A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

Ragamet - When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

Vince's Update

Vince has been gone since Monday. He really enjoys his new job and loves the weather. It did get rather cold for FL. the other day and his friend Victor's has a convertible with no back side window. Vince said he was cold that morning on the way to work. He has a cell phone if you would like the number email me. I have been missing him a lot the last few days. I hope it will get better instead of worse. I'm sure it will. We have talked at least twice a day that seems to help. The kids miss him. I have been taking his car and some how that helps them. They don't see his car when we pull into the drive way and Miranda is a lot better behaved. She acts up really bad after talking to him on the phone. I'm hoping that will get better also. Sarah has started whining a lot since Vince left. Coleman has been a big help. He tries to get the girls to understand when they are not acting like they regularly do. The kids have talked to at least once a day. They ask him a lot of questions about the beach. Miranda just says what ever pops into her mind. I tend to laugh a lot when she talks to him. Last night she kept saying never and no to him when he was asking her to give me the phone back. When I realized that she was doing this to his asking her to give mommy the phone. I had to laugh to myself. It's just they way she says it that makes it funny. Today she talked to him about a block she found on the floor.

Need A Smile

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE

America's Unique

- Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

- Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

- Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

- Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

- Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Catfish vs. Orange Roughy

Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"

"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."

"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."

"But why?"

"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."

No Pets Allowed

Two buddies were out one Saturday, walking their dogs. One had a Doberman Pinscher and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the restaurant and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."

The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?"

The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer let him in.

His buddy with the Chihuahua put on his pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The man exclaimed, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"